Apologies

I remember at the start of last month stating I would be writing here more as part of my 100 day project. After writing day 2 I had a moment of inspiration and moved my task of 'writing something' onto paper and as such haven't been on here for a while.

I shall reveal what I've done so far at some point in the near future but this is just to let you know I haven't given up on it.

I wrecked your daddy's car and went down on your mother...

Short and sweet today due to me being absolutely bone-breakingly shattered. I love Christmas, but I love Christmas songs even more (only in the month of December though, before and after, they can bugger off), especially those with creative lyrics. That is why I love this song by The Hives and Cyndi Lauper (a collaboration I'd never have expected, but very glad to see exist).

Enjoy.

One Hundred Days

So I am taking part in One Hundred Days To Make You A Better Person, commandeered by the lovely Josie Long and a whole bunch of other comedians, and as such I am going to write something everyday in some capacity. I shall be doing most of this writing in this here blog, but some may be done in my student magazine, for other people or just for fun.

So here I shall begin; very late for day one, but that's the fashionable way nowadays, though as trends go it'll probably flip reverse as I get older. Hopefully I will not become my Nan and arrive at a wedding four hours before everyone else, though. There are also other more obvious reasons why I wish not to become my Nan, and while a lot may be to do with anatomy and gender, a lot is also to do with knitting. I shall let my girlfriend do that instead.

I admit

...today's blog post wasn't a classic. I just needed to write something. I will attempt to formulate something with an ounce of thought put into it next time.

This is what happens when you take time off work to sort out a CV and apply for new jobs...

Obsession: For Toast

Toast. Yes, toast. Earlier on today I was drunk (mainly due to having a drink with someone inept at drinking) and I was considering the majesty of these little breaded treats. So much was my stupour that my mind concocted an image of a dancing human toaster with wings, and I agreed with myself that such an invention would be marvellous; the dancing would wow the crowds, the human aspect would add a sense of empathy for toaster boy's plight at being a toaster and as such not able to swim, wash or do anything involving water while the wings would just be awesome. He would make a fortune selling the toast he produced and as such become a broadway hit. Musicals would be made in his honour until one day the fame became too much and poor little Nigel would decide he was too dirty and head to the little bathroom in the sky. A tragic tale, we can all agree.

This sounds like a normal drunken delusion/great idea (the terms are interchangeable) but as I said, I have a fascination with toast. I've had dreams where the whole world is made of toast and where I've won the lottery and the prize fund was toast. I've even performed a whole opera about a piece of toast to a crowd of bread, the majority of whom I placed in a toaster at the end of my show.

I guess this is what watching the Strictly Come Dancing or the Twilight series must be like for the die-hard fans. I have sympathy for those who wish to become vampires, even though that would be hugely impractical and would certainly not make as good a musical as Toastboy: Saviour of 42nd Street. I understand that there can be an underlying fascination for certain things. Alas, for most of them, I don't really understand why.

Take a classic object of hatred, X-Factor, for example. What is so great about watching people who can barely hold a note attempt a lot of songs no-one cares about (along with three you do) and do so so badly that your cat has decided that it no longer wants its lives and climbs into the convenient thresher you recently had installed at your home (I admit, the analogy isn't holding up well...). The winner will get an album, for crikey's sake. An ALBUM! And people pay for this stuff too! These songs will be played ad nauseum on future series for more wannabes to murder, and so the cycle continues. I get that competition is fun to watch, but that's ten minutes of a show spread over two and a half hours.

But toast is no X-Factor; there are many reasons to wish for Toastboy 2: The Revenge of Santa's Elves. Toast makes art, toast contains people and popular religious icons. There are so many things to love toast for. You can question why bread on it's own can be a bit dull, but add some heat and suddenly it's a crispy world of brilliance, but that would be futile, it's just true. Jam, cheese, beans, nutella... everything is great on toast.

There is no great point behind this post other than the fact that I wanted to talk about toast. If you don't like toast, you've certainly come to the wrong place and most definitely will not like Toastboy III: Modern Warfare...

FACT.

Sunday Best

It's November, it's raining. What else was I going to choose?

On with the job hunt, says I.

Why I love ukuleles

Make things miniature and people will love them; hippos aren't exactly the most lovely looking creatures on earth but when a pygmy one appears, it's just awesome. Railways are big and vast and annoying to collect by such people who that would interest. Luckily for them, small versions became available so collectors would stop stealing stop signals from the tracks for their own personal use. People used to get all a-flutter seeing a woman's ankle when normal sized skirts were all the rage. Then a bright spark emanated from someone's head to stop the outbreak of fainting: make seeing ankles commonplace and miniaturise skirts in general.

Ok, so ukuleles technically aren't mini guitars (instead they're a Hawaiian 'interpretation' of guitars, but my preamble wouldn't work without saying they are, so there. Give someone a ukulele and they will feel like Gulliver in Lilliput and deep down everyone wants to pretend their a giant; as well as getting to pretend to stamp on buildings, grab planes and damsels in distress with you giant arms and travel on roller-skates around a city, it makes them happy.

Of course, being miniature isn't the sole reason for their awesomeness:

1. They make nerds look cool
Dent May (above) is not your average cool guy. In fact, he looks a bit nerdy. Nerds are a form of natural selection, removing the anti-social technophiles from the gene pool through lack of reproduction (note: geeks are not nerds). To combat this, people who look like nerds need a way to look attractive, which is where the ukulele comes in and as you can see, the man is now cool.

2. Great people play the ukulele
As mentioned, Dent May plays the ukulele and does so very well, but he's not the only one. Beirut, Noah and the Whale and Jens Lekman have also lent their prowess to the hallowed instrument. Half of The Beatles were skilled at the little things, as was Elvis before his Hamburglar days. However, perhaps the greatest person to play the ukulele is Miss Zooey Deschenal (right). She may not be the best at it, but just look at her...

3. They're cheap
Mine cost around £10 when I bought it. That's the same as a Coldplay album, and I know what one I wouldn't smear in shit and force feed to Chris Martin...

4. It has its own national orchestra
The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain have been around for nigh on 25 years and are quite frankly plucking fantastic.

5. Sing anything to the sound of a ukulele, it's instantly awesome (not matter how bad you sing)
Case and point is KaraUke, a karaoke residency in London but instead of a karaoke machine, the music comes from a group of musicians playing ukuleles (and the occasional kazoo). I'm not the best singer in the world, but with the backing of ukuleles, the attention is drawn from me to the band's rendition of Lola, or Stuck in the Middle With You, or Faith. The same happens whenever the ukulele appears.

There we have it, five reasons why ukuleles are great (and not one mention of the sound. It's a nice twee one if you hadn't already gathered). Go out, buy one (and a hula skirt) and enjoy.